Hi Reader

TL/DR: You think you're good at giving feedback because people nod and say "thanks for your thoughts." Most feedback, in reality, isn't developmental, it's just criticism with professional packaging. The gap between what leaders think feedback is and what it actually requires is costing teams their best talent and organisations their competitive edge.

Ask a group of people if they are good drivers…90% answer that yes, of course, they are.

Asking leaders about their feedback approach and method is the same.

The vast majority think they are really strong in that area.

Maybe you too pride yourself on giving honest, actionable feedback?

Direct. Constructive. Timely. You don't sugarcoat things because you respect people enough to tell them the truth.

After the conversation, they nod. Thank you. Say they appreciate the honesty.

Then nothing changes. Or worse, performance actually declines.

So you give more feedback. More specific. More frequent. Still nothing improves.

What I believe is this.

You're not giving feedback in the true sense. You're delivering your observations about what's wrong and calling it development.

And here’s what’s behind that…..

The Wallpaper Problem

I've been watching and hearing this pattern repeat itself across every sector I work with. Sports. Hospitality. High-end real estate. Executive teams.

Leaders having "feedback conversations" that feel productive in the moment but create zero meaningful change afterward. Everyone nodding along like this is normal. Like feedback that doesn't improve performance is just how it works sometimes.

The issue has become so common it's invisible. It’s wallpaper.

Wallpaper often hides things though.

In this case it’s hiding that most feedback fails because it's set up to make the giver feel helpful, not make the receiver get better.

Feedback Reframe

When you tell someone what they did wrong, you're not giving feedback. You're making an observation.

When you explain how they should have done it differently, you're not developing them. You're showing off your expertise.

When you deliver your assessment and wait for them to fix it, you're not coaching. You're delegating your disappointment.

Real feedback, the kind that actually improves performance, requires something most leaders aren't willing (or able?) to give.

Your time, your curiosity, and your willingness to not have the answer.

3 Feedback Mistakes You Make

Mistake #1: You're Solving, Not Exploring

Listen to yourself in your next feedback conversation. How long before you jump to the solution?

Most leaders last about 30 seconds before they start explaining what should have happened differently. The ‘curse of knowledge’ feels helpful. In reality it's actually stealing the learning opportunity.

When you provide the answer, you're optimising for speed. But remember, development doesn't happen at the speed of your explanation…it happens at the speed of the penny dropping and their discovery.

Mistake #2: You're Telling Your Story, Not Understanding Theirs

"Here's what I noticed..." followed by your interpretation of what happened and why it matters.

In this way you're giving feedback based on what you saw, filtered through your experience, shaped by your assumptions. You have no idea what was actually happening in their decision-making process.

Real feedback starts with genuine curiosity: "Walk me through your thinking." Then you actually listen instead of preparing your response.

Mistake #3: You're Measuring by Delivery, Not by Change

You feel good after giving feedback because you said the hard thing. You were direct. Honest. Professional. A nice ego boost.

Feeling good about delivering feedback is dangerous.

The only measure that matters is: Did anything improve?

Most leaders track whether they gave feedback. High-performance leaders track whether feedback created change. That difference is everything.

What Actually Works

The most effective feedback I've ever observed barely looks like feedback at all.

It's mostly questions.

"What were you trying to achieve?"

"What happened instead?"

"What would you do differently?"

"What's stopping you?"

The leader's job isn't to provide answers. It's to help the other person find answers within that they'll actually use.

This takes longer. Feels less satisfying. Crucially, it doesn't showcase your expertise.

But it's the only approach that consistently changes behaviour.

The Truth About Development

You know what's easier than developing people? Telling them what's wrong.

You know what feels more like leadership? Having the answers.

You know what's more comfortable? Delivering feedback and moving on.

Newsflash - None of those things actually make people better at their jobs.

Real development is uncomfortable for both people. It requires admitting you don't have all the answers. It demands patience with someone else's learning pace. It means measuring success by their growth, not your delivery.

Most leaders aren't willing to pay that price. So they keep giving "feedback" that doesn't work and wondering why their team isn't improving. Sound familiar?

The Test

Before your next feedback conversation, ask yourself one question: Am I about to help them get better, or am I about to feel better about helping?

If it's the second one, cancel the meeting. You're about to waste both your time and damage your credibility.

Real feedback isn't about what you say. It's about what they discover with your help.

The gap between those two things is costing you more than you realise.

P.S. This feedback issue runs deeper than most leaders acknowledge or recognise. If you're noticing that your team isn't developing despite regular feedback conversations, or if you suspect the gap between your feedback intentions and actual results is larger than it should be, let's talk. Often, the most valuable conversation is the one where someone helps you see the pattern you can't see from inside it…. When you’re ready I’ll be at paul@theleaders.coach​

P.P.S In the next 6-8 weeks I’ll release my 2^nd online course on the Udemy Education Platform…”Fearless Feedback” will bring you a simple, yet hugely effective, feedback delivery model called The R3 Method. Grounded in research and practical experience I’m confident it will life your feedback approach, delivery and results to a higher plane. More soon…but if you’d like an early taste of the first module when it’s recorded then drop me an email to paul@theleaders.coach to join the waitlist.

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