Hi Reader

On Monday I facilitated a small-group coaching session with the coaching team from a lower league football club in the UK.

We went off script, as often happens, and ended up in deeper waters than I had planned.

Based on what I was hearing, I sensed the time was right to ask "What's the cost of winning??"

"Why ask that" you might say.

Ok, well, picture this.

It’s championship final day; the two best teams left to duke it out in a winner-takes-all battle. With 15 minutes to go it looks like my team is coming out on the wrong side. We’ve played really well but our finishing & shooting has been woeful and now we’re facing defeat. I’m standing in silence on the sideline and can’t really put my finger on it. I’m out of ideas.

But 15 minutes later we’re champions. Conor, our super sub, has led the charge with two goals that goes a really long way towards us getting across the line.

All around me everyone is losing their shit; players, management team, board members, families of players. They are all high on life and could, literally, die happy in that moment.

But not me. I feel… nothing. I’m smiling alright but that’s belying what’s going on inside; I’m thinking how we nearly blew it, about upcoming matches against other provincial champions, about what I could have done better in the weeks before the grand final.

Everything really bar absorbing and immersing in the victory.

It’s a true story that repeated itself across a few great successes I was involved in over the ensuing years.

And sadly, as I know from coaching many head-coaches and team managers, it’s the reality for far too many sports leaders who achieve success but feel lost in the process.

This is miserable success. It might be closer than you think.

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What is Miserable Success?

Miserable success happens when external achievements—promotions, titles, trophies— are overshadowed by internal questions, dissonance and conflicts. Leaders in sports and business hit their goals but find themselves burnt out, disconnected, and questioning, “Is this it?”

It’s the irony of excelling in your role while feeling empty in your heart and soul.

The Weight of Winning

I’ve another story.

A celebrated head coach, one I now know personally, takes their team a league championship final. They’re praised as a genius, a legend. Yet, behind closed doors, their health and wellbeing is deteriorating, relationships are strained, and, even though they are about to ascend to legendary status, their love for the game feels like a distant memory.

The headlines are packed with accolades, yet her heart is empty.

Sound familiar?

If not in yourself, then perhaps you’ve sensed it in some people among your coaching/management team?

Why Does This 'Miserable Success' take root?

Leaders in sport, especially in high-stakes roles e.g. head coaches, managers & heads of performance departments, often fall into these traps. I was like this too…..

1. External Validation Addiction: When you chase applause, you hand others the keys to your happiness.
2. Ignoring Your Core Values: Misalignment between your actions and values creates a subtle but persistent inner conflict.
3. Neglecting Your Self-Care: Endless grind culture and chasing perfection leaves no room for restoration, deep thinking, or, for that matter, joy & fun.
4. Outsourcing Self-Worth : Tying up self-worth with performances and results.

In the relentless pursuit of success, many leaders lose sight of what truly matters: themselves.

How You Can Avoid Miserable Success

It’s a long conversation. But as this newsletter commits to supporting you it’s only fair to share a flavour of the approaches and frameworks that I’ve seen, first-hand, as being effective by way of first outweighing and then overcoming the scourge of miserable success. (Note too that miserable success is not reliant on winning a trophy….it strikes just as easily when a team goes on a run of a few games unbeaten or even when they have some relative success or progress)

1. Reconnect with Your Values

• Ask yourself: What do I really value, and is my life reflecting that?
• Audit your commitments. Does your calendar reflect your true priorities?

2. Balance Ambition with Well-Being

• Schedule restoration as a non-negotiable. All you get from working your fingers to the bine is bony fingers.
• View recovery as a vital part of your personal performance, not an escape from it. You wouldn’t accept less from your players/athletes so why from yourself?

3. Build Psychological Safety (I fully get that it’s a buzz-term these days but its importance shouldn’t be lessened because of it being overused)

• Create environments where people—and you—can express vulnerability without fear. Where it’s perfectly ok to say that things aren’t quite right.
• Trust and belonging amplify fulfilment as much as achievement.

Success Isn’t a Trophy—It’s a Feeling

Here’s the good news: miserable success isn’t a life sentence.

I wish it didn’t take as long but I came out the other side.

I had someone shine a light and illuminate a path for me. And now I do the same for other guys and girls; I can see them coming a mile away and know exactly how they feel.

By redefining what success means to you, you can achieve your goals, vision & commitments and enjoy the journey.

As you head into your next challenge, it’s important to check in regularly and ask yourself: Am I building a life I want to live—or just one that others admire?

Your success shouldn’t just look good—it should feel good.

Your career, and life, are too short.

And those big wins don’t come around often enough to be taken for granted.

Trust me, I know.

Let’s Talk! Have you or anyone you know ever felt the emptiness of ‘miserable success’? What’s one change you could make today to avoid miserable success? Drop me a message to paul@theleaders.coach and let me know. I’d love to hear your perspective.

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Finally, if you’re hungry for more sports leadership insights, check out my YouTube channel: Paul Clarke - The Leaders Coach.

Let’s connect: On X and Linkedin

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Thank you for being part of the Leaders Coach community. The work on how to lead better is something you have to do alone. But you don't have to do it on your own. Onward and Upward, Paul Clarke

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