Hi Reader
You've reached the pinnacle of your field. It might be millions in revenue under your management, a team that performs consistently at their highest level or a board room where your opinion shapes the future.
Yet you still feel a familiar flutter in your stomach before presenting to certain people.
You still find yourself crafting emails differently depending on who will read them. Still measuring your worth by whether the "right" people approve of your decisions.
You tell yourself it's professionalism. Strategic relationship management. Smart politics.
But late at night, when you're alone with your thoughts, you know the truth: Despite everything you've achieved, you're still seeking approval from people whose opinions shouldn't matter more than your own expertise.
Welcome to the first exploration in our new series, "Your Hidden Operating System".
It’s a look at the unconscious psychological programs that run your leadership decisions behind the scenes.
Today, in Part 1, we're examining the most pervasive and least acknowledged: Your Approval Addiction.
The sophisticated craving for validation that drives more leadership decisions than any strategic framework ever will.
Would you say you're a Legacy Leader?
Ok, so how would you rate yourself in that regard?
Don't miss this Free Legacy Leadership Scorecard; an insightful four-minute online quiz that zeroes in on the crucial 6C Legacy Leadership Principles - Capability, Character, Competence, Care, Choices and Cause - and offers you a tailored report that will identify areas of natural strength and some that are holding you back.
The Paradox of Successful People Seeking Permission
Here's what makes this psychological pattern so insidious: The higher you climb, the more sophisticated your approval-seeking becomes.
You're not seeking validation from everyone.
No, that would be obvious and easily corrected.
You're seeking it from a carefully curated list of people whose opinions you've elevated above your own expertise.
The board chair who's never run day-to-day operations. The media personality who's never made a hiring decision that affects 200 people. The "expert" who's never managed responsibility at your level.
Yet their approval matters to you in ways that contradict your actual competence.
A luxury hotel general manager in Mallorca once described it perfectly:
"I can manage a €50 million property, oversee 300 staff, and deliver 95% guest satisfaction. But I still get nervous when certain industry journalists visit, even though they've never successfully managed anything close to what I do daily."
The Approval Addiction Warning Signs
Any of these (or how many?) sound or feel familiar?
⚠️ You edit your authentic opinions based on your audience Your views shift depending on who's in the room, not because you've learned something new, but because you're unconsciously calibrating for approval.
⚠️ You over-explain decisions to certain people You find yourself providing excessive justification to individuals whose approval you crave, even when your expertise clearly exceeds theirs.
⚠️ Your mood follows their reactions A subtle frown from someone on your "approval list" can derail your confidence in an otherwise sound decision.
⚠️ You avoid necessary conflicts with approval sources You'll accept suboptimal outcomes rather than risk disapproval from people whose validation you've prioritised.
⚠️ You seek confirmation for decisions you already know are right You present obvious choices as questions, hoping for validation rather than genuinely seeking advice.
A head-of-performance I worked with realised this pattern during a particularly intense season:
"I found myself second-guessing recovery strategies that I knew were correct, simply because one team member had questioned my approach in a previous meeting. I was letting someone with very little coal-face experience influence decisions that could determine championship outcomes."
The Hidden Cost of Approval-Driven Leadership
When your decision-making process includes an unconscious "will they approve?" filter, several things happen that undermine your effectiveness:
👎🏻 Decision Dilution Your choices become compromises designed to minimise disapproval rather than maximise outcomes i.e. You’re optimising for acceptance instead of excellence.
👎🏻 Innovation Paralysis Breakthrough thinking requires departing from conventional wisdom. But approval addiction keeps you tethered to what others will find acceptable.
👎🏻 Authenticity Erosion You gradually lose touch with your own judgment as you become expert at anticipating what others want to hear.
👎🏻 Strategic Timidity You avoid bold moves that could transform outcomes because they might generate criticism from your approval sources.
👎🏻 Leadership Credibility Loss Your team senses when you're seeking external validation instead of leading from conviction. This undermines their confidence in your direction.
The Approval Hierarchy That Controls You
Most top leaders don't realise they've unconsciously created an approval hierarchy; that is, a ranked list of people whose opinions matter more than objective results.
What does that look like in real life?
☢️ The Inner Circle (Highest Approval Priority) Usually 2-3 people whose disapproval would genuinely distress you. Often includes board members, industry "legends," or respected peers you've elevated to guru status.
☢️ The Influence Ring (Moderate Approval Priority) 5-8 people whose opinions carry weight in your mind. Might include media figures, consultants, or other leaders you respect.
☢️ The Validation Pool (Background Approval Priority) A broader group whose general approval provides a sense of acceptance and social proof.
A CEO of a high-end real estate firm here in Mallorca revealed his hierarchy to me 3 weeks back during a particularly honest conversation that has prompted this series:
"It dawned on me that I was making million-euro property decisions based partly on whether they would impress three specific industry figures who had no stake in my company's success. I was unconsciously seeking their approval at the expense of my investors' returns. Mad, isn’t it?"
The Evolutionary Psychology Behind Elite Approval-Seeking
Understanding why this happens helps dissolve the shame around it.
Humans evolved in small groups where approval from tribal leaders meant survival. Your brain doesn't distinguish between literal survival and career survival.
It applies the same unconscious programs.
"The most sophisticated people often have the most sophisticated ways of seeking validation." Gary Bencivenga
Your approval addiction isn't a character flaw. It's an outdated survival mechanism running sophisticated software in a modern context.
But recognising this is real power and allows you to reprogram it.
The Legacy Leader's Approval Framework
The leaders who sustain excellence while maintaining authentic decision-making operate from a fundamentally different approval philosophy.
They don't eliminate the need for validation. Instead, they redirect it toward sources that actually matter.
The Three Approval Redirections
1. From External to Internal Scorecard - Instead of "Will they approve?" ask "Does this align with my values and expertise?"
2. From People to Principles - Instead of seeking approval from individuals, seek alignment with proven frameworks and measurable outcomes.
3. From Impression to Impact - Instead of optimising for how decisions will be perceived, optimise for the results they will create.
The Approval Detox Protocol
There’s steps in parallel to building a new approach. You need to dissolve the ‘golf ball in the hose’ that’s representative of your old approach.
And breaking approval addiction requires systematic intervention steps:
🔑 Step 1: The Approval Audit
Identify your approval hierarchy. Write down the names of people whose opinions influence your decisions disproportionately to their expertise or stake in your outcomes.
🔑 Step 2: The Source Analysis
For each person on your list, ask: "What specific expertise do they have that exceeds mine in this area?" Very often, you'll discover your approval-seeking is based on status rather than competence.
🔑 Step 3: The Decision Tracker
Before making significant choices, notice if you're unconsciously optimising for someone's approval. Catch the pattern in real-time, look it in the eye and face it down.
🔑 Step 4: The Conviction Practice
Make one decision this week based purely on your expertise, regardless of whether your approval sources would agree.
A yacht industry executive I advised implemented this protocol and discovered something startling to her:
"I was seeking approval from people who had never successfully managed operations at my level. Once I realised this, my decision-making became dramatically clearer and more effective."
The Confidence Compound Effect
Here's what happens when you break approval addiction: Your authentic expertise finally has space to operate.
Decisions become faster because you're not running them through multiple approval filters. Creativity and Innovation become possible because you're not constrained by others' comfort zones. Leadership becomes authentic because you're expressing your actual judgment rather than performing for validation.
"The moment you stop seeking approval from people who aren't living your consequences is the moment you start making decisions that actually create the life you want." Ben Settle
Your people and/or team will notice the shift immediately.
There's a solidity to approval-independent leadership that creates confidence in others.
The Paradox of Approval Independence
The counterintuitive truth: When you stop seeking approval from others, you often receive more respect from them.
People sense authentic confidence. They're drawn to leaders who operate from conviction rather than consensus.
A 5* luxury hospitality director in Mallorca experienced this shift:
"I can smile at it now but once I stopped seeking validation from industry critics and so-called influencers and started making decisions based on guest outcomes and team performance, those same critics began seeking my opinion on industry trends."
Your Approval Addiction Assessment
Truth is that so so many leaders experience this at one time or another. It’s almost like a tax as you ascend higher and further in your career.
So go on, re-take control. Ask yourself these diagnostic questions:
- Whose approval do I seek that exceeds their expertise in my domain?
- How often do I modify decisions based on anticipated reactions rather than objective merit?
- Which relationships would change if I stopped seeking their validation?
- What decisions am I avoiding because they might generate disapproval?
The answers reveal your hidden operating system in action.
Breaking Free Without Breaking Relationships
The goal isn't to become indifferent to all input. It's to distinguish between seeking advice from genuine expertise and seeking approval from elevated status.
Respect others' opinions. But respect your own expertise more.
Value relationships. But value authentic leadership more.
Consider feedback. But make decisions based on evidence and experience, not emotional need for validation.
Your role requires you to lead from conviction, not consensus. The people you serve, your team, your stakeholders, your clients, deserve your authentic expertise, not a watered-down version designed to please everyone.
What would change if you started trusting your judgment as much as others' opinions?
The work you do matters too much to be filtered through someone else's comfort zone.
Your approval addiction is running programs that served you in climbing the ladder. But at the top, those same programs become the ceiling that prevents you from leading with the full force of your capabilities.
It's time to reprogram your hidden operating system.
Next week in Part 2 of "Your Hidden Operating System": We'll explore "Your Control Illusion"….why the need to control everything actually prevents you from influencing anything, and the counterintuitive approach that creates real power in complex environments.
If you recognise approval-seeking patterns that are constraining your leadership effectiveness, or if you've noticed that you're optimising for others' comfort rather than optimal outcomes, let's have a conversation. The strongest leaders know when they need an independent perspective to break unconscious patterns that limit their impact. Sometimes the most important approval you can get is from yourself. That often requires working with someone who understands both the pressures of elite leadership and the psychology behind self-sabotaging patterns. Book in a free session today at https://calendly.com/p_clarke/20min
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The work on how to lead better is something you have to do alone.
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Onward and Upward,
Paul Clarke
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